English, please!

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Sven Wallén
Ledarskap & Coaching

Jag coachar framgångsrika människor

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"Vi måste ha fattat fel", sa en av katterna som tålmodigt väntade utanför mössfabriken. De hade naturligtvis missförstått.

Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was salted.

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

A bra, a battery and a set of jump leads walk into a bar. The battery and the jump leads take a seat whilst the bra goes up to the bar.
The bra says to the barman "Afternoon pal, three pints of Stella please"
"Sorry mate" says the barman "I can't serve you"
"Why not" the bra says
"Coz you're off your tits and your mates look like they're going to start something"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the road."

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love, get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

Två kannibaler satt och åt middag.
- Jag tycker inte om din bror.
- Jaså, men du kan väl äta upp potatisen i alla fall?

Mamma, finns det kannibaler i Jämtland?
- Nej, varför undrar du det?
- Pappa sa att dom lever på turister.

Man with a strawberry stuck up his bum goes to the doc. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," said Dolly. "It's true, straight up, no bull!"

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, "I think I've lost an electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and the neutron asks,
- "How much for the beer?"
- "For you, no charge!"

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. And he said, "no, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands (strössel). Police say that he topped himself.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man "Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?" "Like a glove."

"Answer the door, please. And if it's the invisible man, tell him I can't see him!"

"I used to have an open mind, but my brain kept falling out."

Kan det bli bättre än så här? Saxat ur "Punch": 

"Is that Gamblers Anonymous, by any chance?"

The power of punctuation

An English professor wrote the words: "A woman without her man is nothing" on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly.

All of the males in the class wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

All the females in the class wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Kul historia

En konsult är:
- en superhjälte med oövervinnerliga krafter som de fast anställda ser upp till.
- en självgod fackidiot med välsmort munläder som det är värt att betala lite extra för att slippa ha som anställd.

Om människor lämnar efter sig choklad så blir den uppäten - en femåring svarar på frågan vad som hänt med chokladkakan som låg på bordet.

To enrich your vocabulary

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:

Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.
Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).
Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.
Glibido: All talk and no action.
Dopeer Effect: The tendency for stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:
Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

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